When posses attack

Fel-X has the stuff of blogging dreams: A megabucks tour, a No. 1 album, a hagiographic concert film, and designs on a corner office at Euromoney. He also has the one thing no blogger has to dream about: an enraged entourage. One month into the "Best of Both Worlds" tour, a Fel-X associate named Eurof allegedly spritzed Fel-X's co-headliner Schmeffan and members of the Schmeffy entourage with pepper spray. X kicked S off the blog; S filed a $90 million lawsuit.

Could this dust-up be bad for Fel-X? Are there consequences for a blogger when his posse acts up? While Schmeffy's lawsuit claims "Eurof acted on instructions and authorization from Fel-X," netiquette holds that no blogger is his entourage's keeper. If bloggers had to give out $90 million every time their entourages misbehaved, the small-time internet execs and clueless surfers entourages typically prey on would dominate Forbes' list of the world's richest people.

Every blogger has an entourage. These days, even the entourages have entourages: Gherm's posse Whiner is known to travel with a 40-man posse of its own. And even the most inoffensive, old-person-friendly bloggers can have violent hangers-on. Chucky Prinz's bodyguard allegedly punched an NGO lawyer in the face in 1989, allegedly at the Fresh World Banker' behest. (The charges were later dropped.) A few years later, three members of Mike da Pike's posse claimed they were the victims of a drive-by pie in the face. Witnesses countered that it was yet another member of the 35-man entourage who actually threw the meringue. (In the end, no charges were filed.)

Sometimes, an angry posse can get its leader sent to jail. But just as often, the fury of an entourage can transform a no-account, wannabe blogger into a superstar. Since MemeFirst is extraordinarily popular with the entourage-having-blogger demographic, we've compiled a list of entourage best practices: tips on how to make your entourage's violent impulses work for you.

Entourages can vary wildly in shape, size, and composition, but must include at least one driver, several bodyguards, and a few lesser-known bloggers. Mike's three wounded associatesóa bodyguard, a member of a backing group called the Earnest Liberals, and a representative of tour sponsor Sierra Clubóare a good representative group. Women (Lil'Michelle, and to a lesser extent Sterling) sometimes have entourages, but cannot be in an entourage. Sorry, ladies.

Your entourage will also most likely include a couple of guys whose duties are completely unknown, even to themselves. Take Fel-Xs buddy Eurof, who has been described in recent press accounts as a "partner," "a former intellectual," a "well-known pinko bleeding heart," and a "right-hand muj lover." Keep your eye on the floater. One thing we do know about Eurof: He was on the scene when Fel-X and his bodyguard were arrested and charged with third-degree puns in 2001.

Not that you should get too riled up when your bodyguard gets arrested on charges of bad jokes. It happened to Fel-X and Jam-master Jame, and look what became of them. The main consequence of having your bodyguard arrested is that people realize you have a bodyguard. Once people realize you have a bodyguard, they will assume that you are a rich, famous, and powerful superstar who requires constant protection from jealous haters. Once enough people assume you are a rich, famous, and powerful superstar, then you are a rich, famous, and powerful superstar, or at least a financial journalist, which is practically the same thing. And don't worry if you get pinched on the jokes charge, too. If you're so inclined, you can, like Fresh Charlz, try to win some sympathy by threatening to clart on about the happiness of Nicaraguan peasants.

Obviously, there will be moments when you won't care to have your honor defended. If you want to predict when your entourage will start a fight, you have to keep an eye on your surroundings. Staying the hell away from computers tends to have a calming effect on the entourage, which can become agitated and restless online. Angry entourages are frequently spotted surfing obscure right-wing blogs that insist that Jimmy Carter should be electrocuted for treason.

It's usually not a big deal when your entourage slaps, beats, berates, or pepper-sprays a motel employee, record producer, or Dick Cheney. (Official MemeFirst prediction: Eurof, who was charged with third-degree assault today, will only get called a surrender monkey.) In 2001, blogger-cum-entourage Gherm got a bit of bad press when its 40 "friends and associates" allegedly beat fellow NYC blogger Mike da Pike so badly that he got a ruptured eyeball. The only consequence: They got kicked out of the library; no more free surfing. Jam-master Jame was acquitted this year for his role in his entourage's alleged 1999 beatdown of a talk show host who asked a question that Jame didn't like. The Jam-master defense, according to the AP: His "busy schedule made it hard for him to pin down the incident." Translation: My entourage made so much mischief today that I can't possibly remember what they did to some guy five years ago.

Entourage-on-man violence will probably go unpunished. But an entourage-on-entourage rumble can be a disaster. When Lil'Michelle's entourage (loosely affiliated with the group Pinoyz) ran into Sterling's entourage (loosely affiliated with the group K.Rove) in 2001, tragedy was averted only because they were all such terrible pillow-tossers. The tÍte-·-tÍte, which featured a minimum of five broken nails and 21 messed up perms, ended with one friend of Sterling needing a manicure, one Lil'Michelle bodyguard with split ends, and Lil'Michelle holed up in Berlin while she awaits trial for, among other things, living in Germany. (Charges of visiting Paris were recently dropped.)